Women...

What's the difference between a woman and a battery?

A battery has a positive side.



Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Cos you could easily fit another pair of tits in there!




Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.


Any more?!

More Please

Confucius say:

"Treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag."

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Treat your woman like you treat your car.

Get in it 5 times a day and take it to heaven and back.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."

Why do men fart more than women? Because women don’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?

They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

What’s the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman’s mouth?

Albert Einstein’s dick.

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

Why are fat women like mopeds?

They’re both fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on one.

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

Give this man a medal. Christ, I nearly pissed myself laughing just now.

Cos they deserve um! Thats the funniest thing ive heard in a while and after seeing the thread title.

I thought i'd heard it all about "Women" Jokes LOL

Whats wet and wild when they come? When they leave they take your house and your car with them?

Women.

How d'you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.


My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. Seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.


I've been arrested three times this week for knocking the f**k out of the missus. The copper asked me why I kept beating her and I replied "It's probably because I have a significant weight advantage, better reach and good footwork!"


A bloke's talking to a woman in a pub and says "D'you know, you're the double of Kate Moss."
She says "Really, d'you think so?"
He says "Yeah, she's 8 stone and you must be at least 16!"


A nun went to the doctor because she was feeling sick.
The doctor told her she was pregnant, and she was, naturally, stunned.
The next day, she stormed into the monastery where the monks live and shouted "Right, which one of you dirty bastards has been wanking over the candles?!"


A woman tries to spice up her sex life so buys a pair of crotchless knickers. She sits opposite her husband with her legs open wide.
He looks, and then asks "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Oh yes" she replies with a smile
"Thank f**k for that", he replies, "I though the sofa had burst!"


And, off topic; A little boy says to a Priest "Kiss me, kiss me".
"I can't, it would be unethical" replies the Priest.
"To be honest I shouldn't even be shagging you."