by DaveSheffield » Mon Jan 18, 2010 12:54 am
How d'you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. Seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
I've been arrested three times this week for knocking the f**k out of the missus. The copper asked me why I kept beating her and I replied "It's probably because I have a significant weight advantage, better reach and good footwork!"
A bloke's talking to a woman in a pub and says "D'you know, you're the double of Kate Moss."
She says "Really, d'you think so?"
He says "Yeah, she's 8 stone and you must be at least 16!"
A nun went to the doctor because she was feeling sick.
The doctor told her she was pregnant, and she was, naturally, stunned.
The next day, she stormed into the monastery where the monks live and shouted "Right, which one of you dirty bastards has been wanking over the candles?!"
A woman tries to spice up her sex life so buys a pair of crotchless knickers. She sits opposite her husband with her legs open wide.
He looks, and then asks "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Oh yes" she replies with a smile
"Thank f**k for that", he replies, "I though the sofa had burst!"
And, off topic; A little boy says to a Priest "Kiss me, kiss me".
"I can't, it would be unethical" replies the Priest.
"To be honest I shouldn't even be shagging you."
Black Friday I will never forget. No Hammam at my club.
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