JOKES THREAD FOR TONIGHT

I tried pushing a penguin wrapper up my wife's arse whilst she was asleep.
But she woke up and slapped my face.

Some people just can't take a joke.

My mate asked me if I knew of the phrase 'three's a crowd'
I said, "Of course I do, I support Swansea"

took a dyslexic bird home last night, she ended up cooking my sock!!

I tried pushing a penguin wrapper up my wife's arse whilst she was asleep.
But she woke up and slapped my face.

Some people just can't take a joke.

YER your right , She did the same to me

The people who scored for england tonight were Young & Bent,

Oh and that was their names too..

In an effort to be romantic, I tried to write a Valentines poem that recognised our turbulent relationship and our wild sex life, as well as attempting to show that I care about her;

Noses have bled,
Your vagina has too,
So has your anus,
Does it hurt when you poo?

After she slapped me, I couldn't help thinking, "And the miserable bitch wonders why I never try to be romantic..."

Never forget the words my grampa said to me before he kicked the bucket


"how far do you think i can kick that bucket son"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that i had the biggest cock she had laid her hands on.

I said, "your pulling my leg".

Went to the Bulimia Societys staff party last night.


The place was heaving.

Whats ET short for.




Because hes got little legs.

What the difference between a woman and a condom??
f**k all !!
If they're not on your cock they're in your wallet.

Two eggs boiling in a saucepan, one says to the other ive got a big crack.

The other egg says dont start yet im not hard.

I went into a brothel & said, "How much for anal?"She said, "Sixty quid."I said, "Ah, that's a bit expensive, i think i'll leave it."She said, "Tight arse."I said, "Oh, go on then."

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread.

The f*cking birds were all over me.

my mates shagging twins, who both like it up the arse.

I asked how do you tell them apart?

He said thats easy, Sally has got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny, and Dereks got a moustache and big bollocks.

I told my wife to close the curtains earlier.

I just couldn't stand the fishy smell any longer

Difference between a woman and a hurricane? = nothing! when they come their wet and windy, when they go, they take your f*cking house.

Came outta the chippy last night with double pie and chips, 2 greasy jumbo sausages and a litre of full fat cola, this strange looking guy came up ans said "please boss, ive not eaten for 3 whole days" i said JESUS CHRIST, you got better f*cking willpower than me!!