I saw a sign today that made me piss myself!

"Toilet closed"

Pretty good

"Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button...
a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

====================================================================================

"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

====================================================================================

I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing.
I said, "Apparently, he said the 'c' word."

She said, "Well that wasn't clever was it?"

I replied, "No... It was 'c**t'."