JOKE THREAD FOR TONIGHT

I bought a dog from a Scouser last week.
I got it home and thought I'd let it out to get to know it's new surroundings.
After an hour it came back looking all happy with it's self..
It had 10 collars around it's neck.

An Irish man at work was popping down the shop and asked me,
"Do you want anything?"
So I replied "yes please, 20 Lambert and Butlers"
"If there isn't any left, what shall I get?" he asked,
"Just get me anything".

c**t came back with a pasty.

My racing snail has not been performing well lately, I thought i would take his shell off to ease the weight but now if anything he looks a little bit more sluggish

A mate of mine told me that Lady Gaga is to do naked skydive for charity.

You've got to admire her balls.

was very nervous when i got to my first sex addicts anonymous meeting ' so i slipped in through the tradesmans entrance

I was stood next to a woman at a rugby match. She turned to me and said, "odd shaped ball."

I don't know how she knew, but I said, "yeah, I'm off to see a doctor on Monday about it."

Boy: Grandma, have you seen my pills? they were labelled LSD.
Gandma: f**k the pils have you seen the dragons on the kitchen?

After the sad recent events at Newbury there was some good news today when it was announced that racing will resume at the course next Saturday.

A spokesman said he expected some fast racing as the going was likely to be between 240 and 360 volts.....

how do you make your wife moan when you're having sex? wipe your c*ck on the curtains!

Women f*cking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and
what does she go and do? She actually turns left!

How am I supposed to prepare myself with these f*cking mind games?

Black guy goes on the antiques Roadshow with a rare vase, the presenter asks him how he acquired it. .

It was handed down to me he said. . .through Family asks the presenter? . . . . No through an upstairs window he replies






I'll get my coat...

the wife phoned me and said "you better come to the hospital, my mother hasn't got long to live!" I replied "but cardiff are playing swansea!" she said "record it and watch it later." you should have seen her face when i turned up at the hospital with my camcorder and tripod!!!!

the wife phoned me and said "you better come to the hospital, my mother hasn't got long to live!" I replied "but cardiff are playing swansea!" she said "record it and watch it later." you should have seen her face when i turned up at the hospital with my camcorder and tripod!!!!

GENIUS

the wife phoned me and said "you better come to the hospital, my mother hasn't got long to live!" I replied "but cardiff are playing swansea!" she said "record it and watch it later." you should have seen her face when i turned up at the hospital with my camcorder and tripod!!!!

GENIUS

I couldn't stop laughing when my m8 sent it to me, glad u liked it.

Tea is for mugs

Tea is for mugs

well done for that input miguel

A
G
N
B

Thats bang out of order!!!

Paddy walks past a new pub and sees a sign outside saying

Pies 50p
Wanks 10p

So he decides to go in and investigate. He gets up to the bar and there stands a stunning blonde. Paddy asks " Do you give the wanks?"

"Yeah I do "she replies in a seductive voice.

"Well wash your f*cking hands, I want a pie."

Paddy shows an Essex girl the L and R labels in his wellies, explaining they mean left and right.

Oh ! she says : 'now I understand the C &A label in my thong

Women f*cking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and
what does she go and do? She actually turns left!

How am I supposed to prepare myself with these f*cking mind games?

Yesterday marked the anniversary of the Swansea blitz, when German bombers flattened Swansea town centre with a massive air raid in 1941.

You would think it's about time they rebuilt it wouldn't you?

rare bird found flying around swansea

A girl said to me earlier, "You've got the body of a God, shame it's Buddha!"

I replied, "You've got a face like a princess, shame it's Diana's."

That shut the bitch up.