OK LETS GET THE JOKE THREAD GOING

I am now the Irish breaststroke champion. 17 tits in 8 seconds and barred from the ante natal clinic.

My mate was hit by a Steam Train.

He was chuffed to bits

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.

"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"

"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.

"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.

"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

doctor i feel like a pair of curtains doc replies pull ur self together

I don't know if my karate instructor is a superhero or not but he's got one hell of a side kick.

A bin man knocks on a chinese man's door, after 5 minutes he answers.

Bin man: "Where's your bin?"

Chinese bloke: "I've bin upstairs."

Bin man: "No, where's your dust bin?"

Chinese bloke: "I've just bin in the bathroom."

Bin man: "You don't understand. I mean, where's your wheely bin?"

Chinese bloke: "Ahhhh, I wheely bin wanking."

The MoD paid £22 for a 65p light bulb.

To put that into perspective, think about this, Aston Villa paid £3.5 million for Emile Heskey.

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces,

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant......................

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side.

A bin man knocks on a chinese man's door, after 5 minutes he answers.

Bin man: "Where's your bin?"

Chinese bloke: "I've bin upstairs."

Bin man: "No, where's your dust bin?"

Chinese bloke: "I've just bin in the bathroom."

Bin man: "You don't understand. I mean, where's your wheely bin?"

Chinese bloke: "Ahhhh, I wheely bin wanking."

Saw an obese woman yesterday with a rape alarm.

I couldn't help but think to myself "That's a bit optimistic".

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

i was at the checkout in the supermarket the other day and as i emptied my items from the basket (1 tin of soup 1 apple 1 bag of crisps 1 can of strongbow) the lady on the checkout says to me "i take it your single"......"i am yes, how could you tell?" i replied.....she smiles looks down at my basket and says "because your ugly as f**k".

My mate told me about a show he saw in Thailand where women fire ping pong balls from their cunts.

I told him thats nothing, I've seen one playing keepy ups with a football.


Alan Tate

I was arrested again last night for beating up the misses. The copper at the station asked me "Why do you keep beating your girlfriend". I replied " I think its my reach advantage, great hand speed and superior footwork"

A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I am not medical staff, I cant help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, Im really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

A Muslim has been caught shagging sheep in Wales. When questioned he said it was islamb and he could do what he f*cking liked with it.

Just woken up to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the end of my bed.

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified

Yesterday scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of the female hormones in beer. This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised if you are male and in between the ages of 18-85 that you seek medical assistance to assess your beer.

THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer within 1 hour.
RESULTS: 100% of the men

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Becam [...]

Reveal the rest of this joke
Yesterday scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of the female hormones in beer. This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised if you are male and in between the ages of 18-85 that you seek medical assistance to assess your beer.

THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer within 1 hour.
RESULTS: 100% of the men

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became over emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down to urinate
8.Refused to apologise when wrong

Two Magistrates are done for speeding. They get their court date, but it's wrong. They're there a day early and nobody else is around. They decide to hear each others cases, so one goes on the bench, and one goes in the dock. The first one says, "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said, "You're fined a fiver."
They swapped places. The first one says "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said. "I'm giving you 6 months in prison." The other fella said "Hang on a minute, I only gave you a fine." He said "I know, but this is the second case of speeding we've had today and it's got to stop."

After Colonel Gaddafi's recent comments, people are getting really scared about a third world war.

Well I've seen Comic Relief and I'm here to tell you that I really don't think the third world are up for it.

It was the most painful thing in the world walking into that bear trap like that.

Two of the fuckers held me down while a big grizzly fucked me up the arse.

Two Magistrates are done for speeding. They get their court date, but it's wrong. They're there a day early and nobody else is around. They decide to hear each others cases, so one goes on the bench, and one goes in the dock. The first one says, "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said, "You're fined a fiver."
They swapped places. The first one says "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said. "I'm giving you 6 months in prison." The other fella said "Hang on a minute, I only gave you a fine." He said "I know, but this is the second case of speeding we've had today and it's got to stop."

Im f*cking creasing

Two Magistrates are done for speeding. They get their court date, but it's wrong. They're there a day early and nobody else is around. They decide to hear each others cases, so one goes on the bench, and one goes in the dock. The first one says, "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said, "You're fined a fiver."
They swapped places. The first one says "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said. "I'm giving you 6 months in prison." The other fella said "Hang on a minute, I only gave you a fine." He said "I know, but this is the second case of speeding we've had today and it's got to stop."

Im f*cking creasing

Good one that innit

I took a prostitute with me to my friends fancy dress party last night. I went dressed in black just shouting "Miaow! Bang!" over and over. A bit confused my friend asked,

"What are you meant to be?",

"A Thundercat",

"What's she?",

"Ho".