Your favourite joke of all time!

I get to read some cracking jokes on this forum what's your favourite joke of all time?

Here's mine!!


Where's Your Manners?
Three boys were in a car riding through the street. Their names were, Sh*t, Manners, and F**k You.

F**k You was speeding and Sh*t fell out of the car. So Manners went back to get him.

When F**k You got stopped the police for speeding, the cop asked him his name and he said "F**k you."

The cop looked at him and said "What's your name?"

Again F**k You said "F**k you."

The cop got really irritated so he asked for the last time "What is your name?" and F**k You said "F**k You."

The cop asked "Where is your manners?"

F**k You said "He's back there picking up Sh*t."

Don't start Sam off Baz ...he'll have a field day with this

Are you after my job?????

Ive got a corker of a joke for next saturday
I will have you all in tears of laughter i guarantee it!!!

Don't start Sam off Baz ...he'll have a field day with this

Yes mate will be interesting to here SAMs fav joke of all time

Ive got a corker of a joke for next saturday
I will have you all in tears of laughter i guarantee it!!!

Looking forward to it mate.

Don't start Sam off Baz ...he'll have a field day with this

Yes mate will be interesting to here SAMs fav joke of all time

Baz, next sat we'll hear it

An orphan named Simon has dreamed of appearing on 'Stars in Their Eyes' since he was a small boy, living with his aunt and uncle in Leeds. He writes to Matthew Kelly year after year, and finally gets an audition.

The audition goes really well and he drives back up to Leeds to celebrate getting on the show, but as he is nearing home he has a terrible car accident, and loses his legs due to horrendous crush injuries. The surgeon who removes the mangled legs 'phones his relatives to break the awful news. When Simon's aunt related the tragedy to her husband, he collapses and dies of a heart attack. Hearing the terrible plight of the family, the surgeon suggests that, as they are blood relatives, he would like to try grafting the legs of the freshly deceased man onto his nephew’s body. The aunt agrees, and the legs are packed in ice and rushed to the hospital, where they are successfully attached to Simon. There follow 9 months of painful rehabilitation, but eventually the brave young man is walking again.

When Matthew Kelly hears the moving story, he asks the medical miracle to come and appear on the show. This he does, and as Kelly is relaying the heart-rending story, there isn't a dry eye in the house. Matthew Kelly introduces the young man and asks him who he will be tonight.

Simon looks into the camera and says..."tonight Matthew, I'm going to be
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wait for it!!
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.………..Simon and Half Uncle"

An orphan named Simon has dreamed of appearing on 'Stars in Their Eyes' since he was a small boy, living with his aunt and uncle in Leeds. He writes to Matthew Kelly year after year, and finally gets an audition.

The audition goes really well and he drives back up to Leeds to celebrate getting on the show, but as he is nearing home he has a terrible car accident, and loses his legs due to horrendous crush injuries. The surgeon who removes the mangled legs 'phones his relatives to break the awful news. When Simon's aunt related the tragedy to her husband, he collapses and dies of a heart attack. Hearing the terrible plight of the family, the surgeon suggests that, as they are blood relatives, he would like to try grafting the legs of the freshly deceased man onto his nephew’s body. The aunt agrees, and the legs are packed in ice and rushed to the hospital, where they are successfully attached to Simon. There follow 9 months of painful rehabilitation, but eventually the brave young man is walking again.

When Matthew Kelly hears the moving story, he asks the medical miracle to come and appear on the show. This he does, and as Kelly is relaying the heart-rending story, there isn't a dry eye in the house. Matthew Kelly introduces the young man and asks him who he will be tonight.

Simon looks into the camera and says..."tonight Matthew, I'm going to be
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait for it!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.………..Simon and Half Uncle"

Fuckin Class.

An orphan named Simon has dreamed of appearing on 'Stars in Their Eyes' since he was a small boy, living with his aunt and uncle in Leeds. He writes to Matthew Kelly year after year, and finally gets an audition.

The audition goes really well and he drives back up to Leeds to celebrate getting on the show, but as he is nearing home he has a terrible car accident, and loses his legs due to horrendous crush injuries. The surgeon who removes the mangled legs 'phones his relatives to break the awful news. When Simon's aunt related the tragedy to her husband, he collapses and dies of a heart attack. Hearing the terrible plight of the family, the surgeon suggests that, as they are blood relatives, he would like to try grafting the legs of the freshly deceased man onto his nephew’s body. The aunt agrees, and the legs are packed in ice and rushed to the hospital, where they are successfully attached to Simon. There follow 9 months of painful rehabilitation, but eventually the brave young man is walking again.

When Matthew Kelly hears the moving story, he asks the medical miracle to come and appear on the show. This he does, and as Kelly is relaying the heart-rending story, there isn't a dry eye in the house. Matthew Kelly introduces the young man and asks him who he will be tonight.

Simon looks into the camera and says..."tonight Matthew, I'm going to be
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait for it!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.………..Simon and Half Uncle"

facking brilliant fair play

Rythmn!

That my friend is comedy genius

Rythmn!

That my friend is comedy genius

Woman says to her husband, if you did a little bit more cleaning around the house we could get rid of the Maid, Husband says, if you took it up the arse a bit more we could get rid of the Dog.

One of my fav's...

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriends birthday, as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:




Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Smith

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

David Haye fight talks and then watching him fail when it counts!

Mmmm some of the jokes have been deleted!!

One of my fav's...

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriends birthday, as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:




Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Smith

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

quality

Stan and Dave have gone again

Barry the builder goes to a nightclub,
He dancing away and the night is drawing to a close and he still hasn't pulled.
He decides to put his nerves to one side and try his luck!

'Oi love, my names Barry, Barry the builder, I've got an 8 inch cock and I can shag all night!'
She replies 'fair play Baz, you've pulled'

The following morning she's says;
'Oi Barry the f*cking Builder you said you got an 8 inch cock and you can shag all night, I'm not being funny you got a 4 inch cock and you lasted 3 minutes!

Barry replies 'what can I say love you had an estimate!'

my favorite lesson at school was gym
due to the fact,that i had the biggest cock in the class
i used to love walking around the changing room bollock naked and flicking the weak boys with the tip of my towel
and pointing and laughing at the one`s with small knobs


i think thats why i got the sack

Bump (thread has potential)

Dave is trying to get in a night club............
Bouncer - Sorry mate you cant come in unless you a tie on!!!
Dave - Oh come on i look ok , iv got a shirt and trousers on!
Bouncer - no sorry mate you need to get a tie!
Dave - where the f**k am gonna get a tie this time of night?
Bouncer- the only place open now is that garage over there.

Dave walks over and see a machanic welding away.........
Dave - Listen mate that bouncer over there wont let me in the club because i aint got
a tie, Can you lend me one???
Machanic - All i got mate is a spare set of jump leads,you can try your luck with them if you want?
Dave - f*cking jump leads!!!!...... f**k it i'll put them on see how it goes.

Dave walks back over to the bouncer and says...
Dave - Mate all he had was these jump leads!!!.....,.. Iv done them up like a tie can i come in now??????
Bouncer - Ok you can come in you better not try and start something!!!