Friday night offensive jokes, anyone?

I'll start:

I still remember play time at school, a bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette & trying to finger girls behind the bike shed. I loved that caretaker's job.

Ann Summers have come up with an easy guide to complete sexual joy. It explores the clitoris and the G spot and even shows the male where they are. Twatnav will be in their shops and catalogue by Christmas.

I'll start:

I still remember play time at school, a bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette & trying to finger girls behind the bike shed. I loved that caretaker's job.

I was having sex with a really ugly bird last night. It got so distracting that I had to stop to put the balaclava on her instead.

I spent ages licking my girlfriends pussy the other day. Then it hissed and me and ran away.

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food? It was absolutely incredible and it's our anniversary tomorrow," she said. "f**k it," I thought, "I'll treat her." So I walked her past it again.

A new vibrator has gone on sale. It's so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm, it comes, coughs, farts, goes limp then switches itself off!

I was in a club over the weekend and I saw a fat bird at the bar. I walked up to her and said "Fancy a dance, love?" "Ooh, that would be nice," she replied. "Well, off you go then. Me and my mates can't get to the f***ing bar."

Vanish - the UK's Number 1 Stain Remover. Is there a number 2 stain remover? My boxer shorts are absolutely f***ed.

I'm one of those people who likes to read while having a shite. Unfortunately, I'm now banned from WH Smith, Waterstones and the local library.....

Alzheimer's test. How fast can you guess these words?

1. f**k

2. pu*s*

3. s*x

4. p*n*s

5. co*k

6. *unt








Answers:

1. fork

2.pulse

3. six

4. pants

5. cork

6. aunt

You got all 6 wrong, didn't you?!!

3 men captured by female savages are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.

1st man was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.

2nd man was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.

3rd man started laughing. His captors asked what was so funny. He said "I work for Dyson!"

What do women and clouds have in common?

Occasionally, they f**k off and it's a really nice day.

I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other day. There was a spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we lay together, making love, I thought to myself..... these f***ing tazers are well worth the money.

Good stuff soldier, you here all week?

Mary is told she has only 24 hours to live. She tells Paddy and asks if they can make love one last time. Crying and upset, he agrees and they have mind blowing sex. After 12 hours, she asks again and he gives her the best oral she has ever had. 4 hours to go and she begs for one last go. "F**k off," he says, "I'm not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

The Mrs bought a pair of Meatloaf knickers. On the front it says "I will do anything for love" and on the back it says "but I won't do that!"

Good stuff soldier, you here all week?

I've been in hospital this morning, having a mole removed from my penis. The RSPCA say they'll just give me a warning this time!

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted "Oi, what's your disability?" I said "Tourettes! Now f**k off, you c**t!"

I couldn't find the thing that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently, she left me yesterday.

I caught my 7yr old son about to steal a biscuit from the cupboard. I said "Oi, I wouldn't do that, if I was you!" He said "No, but you'd put your cock in Auntie Sarah's arse while Mum's at work." I said "There's some chocolate ones in the fridge."