TWO IRISH!!!!

Men walking down the street,one of them bends down and picks up a car mirror from the side of the kerb! He looks at it and say's "Paddy, i reconize the face but i can't put a name to him"? "Give, it here Murphy, let's have a look"! Paddy has a look and replie's "It's me you daft tw*t"!!!!!!

Waiter asks Paddy "Would you like your pizza cut into six or eight slices"...Just Six says Paddy, I don't think I could eat eight.

sam you are a bigot and racist how dare you pick on the poor irish dont you think they have been through enough.

victims r us .com


i'l buy you a pint for that

sam you are a bigot and racist how dare you pick on the poor irish dont you think they have been through enough.

victims r us .com


i'l buy you a pint for that

Cheers cocka!!!!

Paddy and Murphy swap sandwiches at lunchtime. Paddy spits out the sandwich after the 1st bite and says "Thats disgusting, what is it?" Murphy replies "Crab paste." Paddy enquires where Murphy purchased the crab paste and Murphy replied "Bought it at the Chemist when I was there!"

Paddy and Murphy swap sandwiches at lunchtime. Paddy spits out the sandwich after the 1st bite and says "Thats disgusting, what is it?" Murphy replies "Crab paste." Paddy enquires where Murphy purchased the crab paste and Murphy replied "Bought it at the Chemist when I was there!"

Paddy and Murphy had been forging £9 banknotes.
Walking down the main street in Dublin Paddy says to Murphy .I don't think anyone will take the £9 notes
we've forged.
Murphy says I'll ask the Bookie to change one.
Murphy comes out of the Bookies.
Paddy says Did he change the £9 note.
Yes says Murphy
What did he give you says Paddy
Murphy shouts out laughing a £7 note and a £2 note.

These jokes are very sad. Especially as today a family of 8 were found dead outside the odean cinema in Dublin. They were queuing for Closed for the season!

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure."

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure."

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

Class

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife... who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

A bloke walks into the funeral directors and see's Paddy and Murphy sat playing cards! He ask them if the could do a funeral service for him but because his dad was a sailor he wanted a burial at sea! They have never done a burial at sea before but with things being on the quiet side they both agree to it!
They put the coffin on a rowing boat and row out 200mtrs, Paddy jumps into the sea but it only comes up to his ankles. Paddy gets back into the boat and they both start rowing! They get 400mtrs out and Paddy jumps into the sea! It only comes to his knees so he gets back into the boat and they both start rowing!They get 600mtrs out then paddy jumps into the sea,but it only comes up to his waist,he gets back into the boat and they carry on rowing till they get 800mtrs out.Paddy jumps into the sea but it only comes up to his chest!He climbs back into boat and they row out to 1000mtrs.Paddy jumps into the sea and he disappears for around 5seconds! He surfaces and shout's out to Murphy "Murphy!Murphy!Pass us the shovel"!!!!!

Paddy is waiting at a bus stop when murphy pulls up in his car, Fancy a lift Paddy ? No thanks Murphy i might miss the bus.

A bloke walks into the funeral directors and see's Paddy and Murphy sat playing cards! He ask them if the could do a funeral service for him but because his dad was a sailor he wanted a burial at sea! They have never done a burial at sea before but with things being on the quiet side they both agree to it!
They put the coffin on a rowing boat and row out 200mtrs, Paddy jumps into the sea but it only comes up to his ankles. Paddy gets back into the boat and they both start rowing! They get 400mtrs out and Paddy jumps into the sea! It only comes to his knees so he gets back into the boat and they both start rowing!They get 600mtrs out then paddy jumps into the sea,but it only comes up to his waist,he gets back into the boat and they carry on rowing till they get 800mtrs out.Paddy jumps into the sea but it only comes up to his chest!He climbs back into boat and they row out to 1000mtrs.Paddy jumps into the sea and he disappears for around 5seconds! He surfaces and shout's out to Murphy "Murphy!Murphy!Pass us the shovel"!!!!!

I just read that and am in fuckin stitches.

Paddy visits the doctor together with his wife, the doctor enquired what was wrong?
Paddy - well we've been together for 25 years, had sex every day and yet she's never had an orgasm.
Doctor - I think she's over heating during sex, don't worry just keep her cool.
So the next day Paddy enlists the help of good friend Murphy to waft a towel over his wife as he happily bangs away
But after an hour still no luck so Paddy suggests they swap over and he takes over the cooling duties.
After 5 minutes the wife is screaming in ecstacy with multiple orgasms

Paddy says "Now you see here Murphy, thats the way you waft a towel !!

Paddy had his ear cut clean off by a dropped chisel on site, The foreman found one amongst the rubble on the ground and said "Here it is " Paddy says no thats not my ear as mine had a pencil behind it.

Paddy visits the doctor together with his wife, the doctor enquired what was wrong?
Paddy - well we've been together for 25 years, had sex every day and yet she's never had an orgasm.
Doctor - I think she's over heating during sex, don't worry just keep her cool.
So the next day Paddy enlists the help of good friend Murphy to waft a towel over his wife as he happily bangs away
But after an hour still no luck so Paddy suggests they swap over and he takes over the cooling duties.
After 5 minutes the wife is screaming in ecstacy with multiple orgasms

Paddy says "Now you see here Murphy, thats the way you waft a towel !!

Paddy had his ear cut clean off by a dropped chisel on site, The foreman found one amongst the rubble on the ground and said "Here it is " Paddy says no thats not my ear as mine had a pencil behind it.

That made me laugh mate.

Paddy went for a job on a building site and the foreman said i'll give you a job if you can think of a sentence with the word great in it.
Paddy replies I've got a donkey jacket and i think it's great,
The foreman says nice one now think of a sentence with the word fascinate it it.
Paddy thinks for a minute and says I've got a donkey jacket and i think it's great it's got nine buttons but i can only fasten eight.

what do you call 100 white men running down a hill
avalanche
whatt do u call 100 mexicans running down a hill
mud slide
what do you call 100 black men running down the hill
jail break.

i know its off topic but im jus waiting for the anti racism people to come and have a go

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet says its got epilepsy.
The vet says
"It looks calm enough to me"
Paddy says
"I haven't taken it out the fuckin bowl yet!"

Hear about the Irish hitchhiker? Got up early to miss the traffic!

Two football clubs in Wales.

One a Premiership and the other a Championship.

Premiership club says to Championship club.

How does it feel down there?

Championship club says "small"..

Two football clubs in Wales.

One has achieved far, far more then the other. One will have higher attendances this season despite being in a lower division. One regards the bragging of fans of the other as meaningless over the course of history.

Oh, sorry, this is meant to be a joke thread isn't it?

MURPHY SAID 2 PADDY" WHAT THE f**k ARE U DOING TALKING INTO AN ENVELOPE"
PADDY REPLIES "IM SENDING A VOICEMAIL YOU THICK tw*t"

What do you call an Irish mother with 2 arseholes? Jedwards mum

Two Irishmen were hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail and realises it's upside down and throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says. "Why are you throwing them away?".
"Because they're upside down " says Paddy." Ya daft tw*t "replies Murphy..... "Save em for the ceiling".........

These have creased me fair play

New from Andrex!
Islamic toilet paper!
Not only is there a picture on every sheet,
but everytime you wipe your arse,
you get to colour him in!