Thu Jul 21, 2011 2:09 pm
Thu Jul 21, 2011 2:23 pm
Thu Jul 21, 2011 2:35 pm
Celtic Rebel wrote:It's Saturday morning and Dave's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.
So Dave heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Dave. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Dave says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's...dead."
"Oh my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and
he was real scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool. But he must
have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it up. so he hit the bottom of
the swimming pool and he's dead too!"
There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is
this 015176622?"
Summer was over and the teacher was asking her pupils how they spent their holidays.
She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my grandmother in Llanfairpwlchwgyngogoch.” he said.
“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”
Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Rhyl."
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, the mother turns around and says to her young son, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."
The son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin - 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself - these buggers have lost the plot!!
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
My wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
Thu Jul 21, 2011 3:35 pm
Thu Jul 21, 2011 4:01 pm
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Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:14 pm
NinianSHEEP wrote:An Essex maths teacher asks young Tracy, "What comes after 69?"
She says, "Wet wipes and mouth wash miss."
Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:23 pm
Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:25 pm
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Fri Jul 22, 2011 2:53 pm