funny one liners

She so ugly not even the tide would take her out

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

My parents are from Merthyr which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.


Copied but funny!!

why do women have small feet?........so they can get closer to the sink.

why do blonds wear knickers? ........to keep their ankles warm.

A young medical student approaches an elderly patient, holding a syringe.

"Nothing to worry about," the student says, noticing the concerned look on the old bloke's face, "just a little prick with a needle."

"I know you are," says the old man, "but what are you gonna do with it?"

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

standards gone right down since i stopped .

standards gone right down since i stopped .

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

LIKE IT

how many swansea shitty fans does it take to change a light bulb?
none there quite happy living in the shadows

dave jones was walking down the road, when he saw a women struggling with her shopping,
' 'can you manage dear'' he politely asked
to which the old lady turned and said,
''yes dave alot better than you''!!!

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick


What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12


How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the bitch a shovel!

Mate of mine said to me "You're not yourself today". I said, "what you telling me for then?"

IM ENTERING MY FIRST CAGE FIGHT TOMORROW.
f*cking BUDGIE WONT KNOW WHAT HIT IT

As a child I was afraid of the dentist, he was a paedophile. I suppose that begs the question as to how many fillings he gave me.

here's a football related joke


" in 12 months this football club will be debt free"

answers on a postcard please

Stationery store moves.

dwarf shortage

'Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?'

'Both, this is a rape.'

Not a one liner but near enough!

I was dressed to kill last night...................turban, sandals , backpack , beard......

Whats tiger woods and the togo football team got in common??????????????????????
They both stopped using their drivers sorry.

two dyslexics storm into a bank and shout
"air in the hands motherstickers, this is a f**k up"

Never hit a hard of learning dwarf.


It's not big and it's not clever.

Police release statement that a dwarf psychic has escaped from prison.

They say there is .................... a small medium at large!