Friday night jokes. OVER 18s ONLY

Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens ipod after realising "iTouch Kids" was not a good product name....

What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?
A headless whoresman

Man enters Doctors clinic and says "Doctor, Iv'e been raped by an elephant and my arsehole is 11" wide!"

So the doctor takes a look and says "yes I see your problem, your arsehole is approxiamtely 11" wide.... but there is something i do not understand, An elephnats penis is only 3 inches in diameter"

The man replies " Of course I know that! But the b*stard fingered me first!"

I see this thread is a joke down already then

I see this thread is a joke down already then

My Uncle was a shit ventriloquist.........

He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything.

What are the 2 most important holes in a womans body?

No not them you dirty b*stard........its her nostrils...........they allow her to breathe while shes sucking your cock.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

One is a goodyear the other is a f...ing great year!

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on ... .My face

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

karma sutra position no 52 ."the pirate"when going at it doggy style,just as u r about to cum pull out &spit on her back so she thinks youve cum.when she turns around unleash a blast right in her face to stun & amaze her.known as the pirate because she will put her hand over her eye and say aaaghhhhh

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £ 5 ,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £ 5 ,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

cringe!!
this is my dads favourite joke, i had to cringe readin this, it comes out at every family piss up!

I just read this,

sat down in a public toilet and a voice came from the next cubicle

"hello mate how are you doing??"

i thought it was a bit strange but didnt want to be rude so i said

" not to bad thanks"

after a short pause i heard the voice again

"so what are you upto?"

i reluctantly answered

"just havin a quick shit......how about yourself?"

then i heard him say

"sorry mate i'll have to call you back, i've got some tw*t in the next cubicle answering everything i fuckin say"

Some prick keeps ringing me and singing Prince Charming & Stand And Deliver down the phone, I keep telling him to f**k off but he's Adamant....

sat down in a public toilet and a voice came from the next cubicle

"hello mate how are you doing??"

i thought it was a bit strange but didnt want to be rude so i said

" not to bad thanks"

after a short pause i heard the voice again

"so what are you upto?"

i reluctantly answered

"just havin a quick shit......how about yourself?"

then i heard him say

"sorry mate i'll have to call you back, i've got some tw*t in the next cubicle answering everything i fuckin say"

AWKWARD!

Bad taste, but what the hell.........


How do you get 1804 jews in a mini?


















Two in the front, two in the back, the rest can go in the ashtray

sat down in a public toilet and a voice came from the next cubicle

"hello mate how are you doing??"

i thought it was a bit strange but didnt want to be rude so i said

" not to bad thanks"

after a short pause i heard the voice again

"so what are you upto?"

i reluctantly answered

"just havin a quick shit......how about yourself?"

then i heard him say

"sorry mate i'll have to call you back, i've got some tw*t in the next cubicle answering everything i fuckin say"

I always love this one