haha - it's Sunday!!!

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be Wanking you off!"

So there's a programme called 'Hardcore Fishing'. Trouble is when you're going through the Sky TV guide all you can see it saying is 'Hardcore F...'

Gets me excited every time until I press view and realise I'm sat here Wanking over a carp.

Two Serbian soldiers are holed up guarding a hill top. After a while, Pieter tells his buddy he is off for a shit, and heads off looking for a bush.

After 20 minutes, Dimitri starts getting worried, as Pieter still has not returned. Time continues to pass, and, more and more, Dimitri fears his comrade in arms has been killed.

After an hour Dimitri, decides to get on the radio and is just about to call for a unit to search for his fellow soldier, when Pieter appears, bold as brass, with a huge grin on his face.

Dimitri: "Pieter! f*cking hell I thought you were dead! Where have you been?"

Pieter: "Well I went off to find a bush to take a shit in and, when I found one, I was crouching down, when I saw this beautiful Croatian bitch; gorgeous tits, legs to die for. So, I finish my shit and I go over and I start fondling her tits, I stick my finger in her c**t, then I take out my cock and I f**k her hard, then I come on her tits. After that, I roll her over and f**k her again in the arse, then I roll her over again and I come again all over her tits!"

Dmitri: "Did she then suck the last of your come from your cock?"

Pieter: "Don't be a f*cking idiot! Her head had been blown off by a grenade!"