Tonights Joke Thread -

I'll start it off:

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge £50 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £60"

pete and mary were out, walking home from the pub, mary says "i need a piss" and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
feeling horny pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between marys legs.
he jokes "have you changed your sex" mary says "no, ive changed my mind im having a shit"

pete and mary were out, walking home from the pub, mary says "i need a piss" and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
feeling horny pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between marys legs.
he jokes "have you changed your sex" mary says "no, ive changed my mind im having a shit"

pete and mary were out, walking home from the pub, mary says "i need a piss" and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
feeling horny pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between marys legs.
he jokes "have you changed your sex" mary says "no, ive changed my mind im having a shit"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

i cant even be bothered to read it see if you can find a longer one this late at night ..................

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

i cant even be bothered to read it see if you can find a longer one this late at night ..................

Read this it is hilarious


There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"


An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


Two prisoners, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.

The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request ?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son ? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "KILL ME FIRST."



A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor, during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the way, Kowalski, your mother died last night." A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner, "Don't bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down last night and killed your entire family." Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more sensitive to the men. So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother, he decided to try another ploy. "Okay, men. Everyone whose grandmother is still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Lazinsky..."



There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.

First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your rear with out any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


A guy walks into a pub weeping profusely and muttering "O piccolo, damn piccolo!" Naturally, the barman (who's paid for this sort of thing) listens to his story. He was part of a musical quartet - a bass, a drummer, a trumpeter and himself with his piccolo - that had gone on tour in the east. In India a Maharaja had loved their music so much that he ordered that their instruments be filled with rubies. Guess who got the least. In Japan, a similar thing happened with the Emperor. But in Saudi Arabia, their music was hated so much by a Sheik that he ordered that the instruments be rammed up their players' arses... the bass, drum and trumpet were too big... but... the poor guy burst into tears again.