jokes

my missus came home drunk yesterday afternoon
while she was trying to get undressed she fell over
and knocked her self her knickers round her ankles
and her pussy was clearly on show
there was no chance i was going to miss an opporttunity
like this.
so i fucked off out with the lads



i recently joined one of those online dating websites
i was asked to describe my ideal woman.
so i put i love page 3 girlsthey are so sexy!
at first i wonderedwhy i didnt get any responces
then i remember my p button is broken

lenny henry just bought his new bed from silent night
hes hoping this one comes without the f*cking hippo

paddy went to the doctors complaining of a bad back
the doctor said how did you do it?
having sex doggy fashion said paddy
why dont you try the normal position ?
i have said paddy.
the dog keeps licking my face

started a new part time job in HMV on the weekend
a swansea chav comes in and asks you got anything by the doors?
i said YES
a tagging system, 2 f*cking bouncers and a electric shutdown system
so f**k off you thieving f*cking pikey

Paddy was driving home pissed.

Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree! then another and another and another!

A police car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road.

Paddy tell the cop about all the tree's in the road

Cop says "For f**k's sake Paddy, that's your airfreshener" !




I laughed cos i got the tree freshener

scouser.jpg

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Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers.

They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don’t buy a ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.
"Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.

When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom