ONE LINE JOKES PLEASE

I just said to my wife "right sexy upstairs now"......She looked at me and said "Oooh kinky bugger".....I said "No seriously, the match is coming on, F**k off".....

Paddy's wedding night & his new bride is lying naked on the bed legs wide open and she says to paddy "You know what I want..." Paddy looks at her and says "All the f*cking bed by the looks of things."

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Baby polar bear: Mam! Am I really a polar bear ?
Mother polar bear: Yes son, why ?
I'm F*ckin freezing.

:lol:

yr off it !