One liners to cheer you up

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed
Little boo peep was giving him head
As soon as he came she started to weep
She knew from the taste he’d been f*cking her sheep

What does a dwarf get when he runs through a woman’s legs?

A clit round the ear and a flap across the face!

I went to see the nurse at the doctors this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I’m trying to examine you!"

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied: “No way. You got yourself into this mess. Don’t ask me to sort it out!”

I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

I went to see the nurse at the doctors this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I’m trying to examine you!"

You rock my working day!

I was in Tescos this morning when the lady in front of me dropped dead. Which was ironic as she had just bought a Bag For Life

Just after one of the twin towers in New York had collapsed on 9/11, the rescuers were searching for survivors in the rubble. suddenly they heard a faint voice and, shortly afterwards, a hot dog seller emerged from the rubble. "Christ, guys, who ordered the 2 jumbos?"

Not very topical, but I think it's funny

Just after one of the twin towers in New York had collapsed on 9/11, the rescuers were searching for survivors in the rubble. suddenly they heard a faint voice and, shortly afterwards, a hot dog seller emerged from the rubble. "Christ, guys, who ordered the 2 jumbos?"

Not very topical, but I think it's funny

Shocking!

swansea town football club

Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed
Little boo peep was giving him head
As soon as he came she started to weep
She knew from the taste he’d been f*cking her sheep

Thats a 4 liner

Can't wait until SwanseaCity play, I'm literally gonna die if they lose... or win.

Yours sincerely,

Mustaffa Kerpal Aakar,
Al-Quaeda bomb specialist

To all those women who watch the football and shout "pass it to Frank" or "bring Joe Cole on;" f**k off. You didn't see me at Sex And The City 2 shouting "f**k her up the arse."

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Swansea City win the premier league."
"You crafty c**t!" said the fairy.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed
Little boo peep was giving him head
As soon as he came she started to weep
She knew from the taste he’d been f*cking her sheep

Thats a 4 liner

Yeah but good though innit

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Swansea City win the premier league."
"You crafty c**t!" said the fairy.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA