Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:10 pm
Fashion police join hunt for Raoul Moat
After new pictures of suspected murderer Raoul Moat were made public, the fashion police say they have been left with no choice but to join the man hunt.
In photos released by Northumbria police, Mr Moat is shown wearing a skin-tight orange t-shirt and black jeans, whilst sporting a haircut that could be described part-mohican, part skinhead.
Fashion police spokesperson Eddie Van der Velt said, “We can not idly stand-by any longer. We can almost understand shooting an ex-lover, or even the odd policeman, but a bright orange skin tight t-shirt on a ginger man? That is simply barbaric.”
“And the hair cut? Oh my word. That look wouldn’t look out of place on a rather talented four-fingered banjo player somewhere in the US Midwest.”
“I can assure the public that we will not rest until this man is captured by our officers, and trust me, we will be giving him one hell of a makeover.”
Rehabilitation
The authorities have been quick to respond to accusations that they would happily take Moat dead or alive, with the fashion police stating their belief Moat could still be rehabilitated.
Van der Velt continued, “He is very much a product of his upbringing, and having spent his entire life in the North-East we should not blame him for the fact that fashion has never been high on his list of priorities.”
“Unlike you or I, no-one probably told him that tight t-shirts shouldn’t be worn when your neck is thicker than the average man’s waist. He knows no different.”
Upon release of the latest photos, Newcastle residents have been quick to ostracise Moat, claiming he is no longer one of their own.
Resident Alan Beardsley told us, “We were hoping this would be solved without the need for violence, but having seen the latest photos, he’s now dead to us.”
“Oh, it’s not the bright orange t-shirt that he’s wearing, it’s that he’s wearing one at all.”