jokes

Peter invites his mum for tea. She notices his flat mate Joe is slightly camp & although she suspected peter is gay, he denies that anything is going on and says that they are only flat mates. A week later joe says to peter, "ever since your mum came to tea, i cant find the frying pan." Peter emails his mum & says "dear Mum, im not saying you DID take the frying pan and im not saying you DID NOT take the frying pan, but its been missing ever since you came for tea. Love Peter. His mum replies...Dear son, im not saying you DO sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would of found the f*cking frying pan by now...love Mum x



An older man entered a jewelry shop late one Friday with a beautiful young woman on his arm. "I'm looking for something special for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweler brought out a beautiful diamond ring for $5,000. "Perhaps you don't understand... I want something very special," he said. The jeweler went to his safe and fetched a beautiful necklace for $50,000. The young lady's eyes sparkled. The man said, "It's yours!" "How would you like to pay?" asked the jeweler. "By check, but I'm sure my bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write you the check now, you can phone the bank tomorrow morning, and then I'll return and pick up the necklace Monday." The following Monday morning the pissed-off jeweler telephoned the old man. "You b*stard! You lied! There's no money in that account!" "Well, true said the old man. But what a weekend I've had…….!!!!!!!!!