A bit of sense of humour

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A bit of sense of humour

Postby Forever Blue » Fri Mar 27, 2020 1:22 pm

A bit of sense of humour :thumbright:
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A bit of sense of humour

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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby Pembroke bluebird » Sat Mar 28, 2020 12:12 pm

January 1st I raised a glass of bubbly and said “ This is my year “
March 26 I’m wiping my arse in a pot noodle lid
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sat Mar 28, 2020 7:23 pm

Posted by Petanqueplayer onthe LLOY bb :-

Some wisdom just shared...
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of me valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how blumin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner ****.
An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands,
stafe day avrybobby!!! ?? xx
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sun Mar 29, 2020 12:18 pm

Posted by tuckupp on the lse sxx bb :-

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby Foghorn65 » Sun Mar 29, 2020 1:20 pm

:)
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby Tony Blue Williams » Sun Mar 29, 2020 3:21 pm

popeye21 wrote:Posted by tuckupp on the lse sxx bb :-

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.


:laughing5: :laughing5: :clap:
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sun Mar 29, 2020 5:38 pm

Posted by by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sun Mar 29, 2020 5:39 pm

Posted by by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-

A young journalism graduate from Cheshire had gone to work for the Liverpool Echo. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home county of Cheshire.
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer named Farmer Mahon agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Mahon replied, "One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."
"I can't print that," said the reporter, "Is there another event that made you really happy?"
Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-looking young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."
Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, "Was there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"
Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."

An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: "Now THAT'S how you wave a towel, sonny!!!"
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sun Mar 29, 2020 6:35 pm

Posted by Geela on the lse FRR bb:-

A bit more humour.....
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Mon Mar 30, 2020 2:56 pm

Posted by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Mon Mar 30, 2020 10:02 pm

Posted by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard"You've been playing golf!"
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby Pembroke bluebird » Tue Mar 31, 2020 10:23 am

I ordered a Chinese takeaway last night
Little Chinese man pulled up in a car I approached him to take the food when all of a sudden he started screaming
ISOLATE ISOLATE ISOLATE
I replied “ your not that bad mate I only ordered it 15 minutes ago “
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Wed Apr 01, 2020 12:52 am

Posted by alphapig on the lse SXX bb :-

Came home after serving abroad for a few months and went down my local pub at lunchtime, the barman recognised me and said, "Hi, how are you, what you having". I said, "Cheers mate, thanks very much, I'll have a pint of Stella". The barman looked at me puzzled and said, "No, I'm not offering you a free drink, I just wanted to know what you wanted". There was a bloke, turned out to be a solicitor, sitting next to me at the bar, and he said to the barman, "hold on, you've just made a verbal contract, you offered and he accepted, you owe him a pint of Stella". The barman eventually calmed down and gave me the pint before telling me, "ok, drink that and then you're banned from coming in here again, I can ban anyone I want". I accepted this, drank up and left. That night I went on a pub crawl with my mates, and guess where we ended up, back at my local, and guess who was serving at the bar, and guess whose round it was. I went up to the bar, and immediately the barman said, "I thought I told you that you were banned at lunchtime". I said, "no, must have been someone else". He said, "it was you". I said, "no, not me", and this went on repeatedlybefore he said, "You must have a double then". I said, "Cheers, make it a Whiskey".

Two elderly women sitting in the waiting room at the hospital while their husbands are having tests done in the ward. Eventually one of the doctors comes out and tells them there's been a bit of a mix up with the labelling of the tests, and that one of their husbands has got Alzheimer's and the other has got a bad dose of a sexually transmitted disease, but it's impossible to tell which is which. The women look at each other and then the doctor, and one asks, "whatever should we do?", to which the doctor replies, "Well, on the way home, drop your husbands off a few hundred yards from where you live, and which ever one finds his way home don't let him f'ck you.

Bemused Indian brave approaches his chief Roaring Thunder and asks him how he picks the names for everyone, "Well" says the chief, "Whenever there is a newborn I hold them in my arms and leave the tipi, holding the baby to the gods, I look around me and name the child according to what I see. You're mother Lone Star was so named as I looked to the skies,and your sister Running Water as The river caught my eye". The chief then looks at the brave quizzically and says, "Anyhow, why do you ask 'Two Dogs Shagging'.
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Wed Apr 01, 2020 10:11 am

Posted by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-


Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Wed Apr 01, 2020 8:07 pm

P:osted by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Bob.
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Thu Apr 02, 2020 11:47 am

Posted by alphapig on the lse SXX bb :-

Little Johnny sitting in class at school when the teacher asks everyone to make a sentence with the word contagious in it. Of course the teacher asked for other volunteers to give their sentences first, and they all showed they grasped the meaning of the word, but eventually, with Johnny's hand still held up, she asked for his sentence. Johnny says, "I hid my brothers TV remote in his bedroom, and it took the contagious to find it".
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Fri Apr 03, 2020 1:18 pm

Two men get caught having sex with the sultans's daughter in the Bedouin camp. The sultan asks each one to find and get 20 pieces of fruit as a punishment. The first guy comes back bringing dates. Sultan orders him to stuff them one at a time up his arse. As he is doing this he is laughing. Perplexed, the sultan asks why are you laughing?
He replies "my friend is bringing coconuts".
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Fri Apr 03, 2020 9:31 pm

Posted by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sat Apr 04, 2020 10:09 pm

Posted by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650." "£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sun Apr 05, 2020 1:55 pm

Posted by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-

An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"
The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."

"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"
"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Mon Apr 06, 2020 3:22 pm

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.
The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”

Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”

https://laffgaff.com/funny-short-stories/
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Tue Apr 07, 2020 2:57 pm

An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, “Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample.”

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him.

So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, “Well, doc, it’s like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, “You asked your neighbor???”

The old man replies, “Yep, not one of us could get the jar open.”

https://laffgaff.com/funny-short-stories/
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Wed Apr 08, 2020 2:16 pm

Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road. A cop sees him go flying past so chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, “Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop looks at him disbelievingly and asks him, “Were you the one being robbed, sir?”

The man casually replies, “Oh no, I was the one who committed the robbery. I was escaping.”

The cop is shocked and surprised that the man has admitted this so freely. He says, “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”
“Oh yes,” replies the man calmly. “I have all the loot in the back.”

The cop is now starting to get angry and says, “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me” as he reaches into the window to take the car keys out of the ignition.
The man shouts, “Don’t do that! I’m afraid that you’ll find the gun in my glove compartment!” At this the cop pulls his hand out of the window and says, “Wait here” as he returns to his car and calls for backup.

Soon there are cars, cops and helicopters all over, everywhere you look. The man is quickly dragged out of his car, handcuffed and taken towards a cop car.

However, just before he is put in the car and taken away a cop walks up to him and says, while pointing at the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer tells us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we didn’t find any of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”

https://laffgaff.com/funny-short-stories/
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby Pembroke bluebird » Thu Apr 09, 2020 10:13 am

Wayne Rooney is suing Tesco’s for using his signature on there hot cross buns :lol:
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Thu Apr 09, 2020 8:06 pm

Posted by 81lucky on the lse SXX bb :-

Joe is granted three wishes by his new found genie. "Can I get a never ending bottle of Guinness please?"
And for your remaining two wishes, enquires the genie.
"Oh I'll have another two of that Guinness bottle".
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sat Apr 11, 2020 12:08 am

Posted by tuckupp on the lse SXX bb :-

The only cow in a small scottish town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the welsh border in wrexham for £200.
They bought the cow from the welsh farmer and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. Any attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,buy this cow from a farmer in wrexham north wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "but How did you know we got the cow from wrexham, north wales.
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from wrexham."
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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby jimmy_rat » Sat Apr 11, 2020 8:12 am

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Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sat Apr 11, 2020 11:33 pm

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord tak in case you need an Irish pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

https://inspire21.com/irish-jokes/
popeye21
 
Posts: 824
Joined: Tue Aug 27, 2013 3:19 pm

Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Sun Apr 12, 2020 6:55 pm

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“It’s my wife’s”, answered the man.
“What happened to her?” the curious man asked.
The man replied, “She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied, “Get in line."

https://inspire21.com/irish-jokes/
https://inspire21.com/funeral-procession/
popeye21
 
Posts: 824
Joined: Tue Aug 27, 2013 3:19 pm

Re: A bit of sense of humour

Postby popeye21 » Mon Apr 13, 2020 2:27 pm

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/religious-jokes/3
popeye21
 
Posts: 824
Joined: Tue Aug 27, 2013 3:19 pm

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