Jokes thread.. again.

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?"

"The same way I like my sex," I replied.

He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

tw*t.

I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I shagged a woman called Penny!..........Spooky or what....!

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-poweredvacuum cleaners...'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
And pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until
You have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
Hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
Horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
The remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

whats the diffrent between tony blair and haronld shipmen?

Harold shipmen acctually did somthing about the NHS waiting list

Why do seagulls fly upside down over england?

It's not worth shitting on.

A friend of mine just started a business manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently prophets are going through the roof.

A friend of mine just started a business manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently prophets are going through the roof.

A friend of mine just started a business manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently prophets are going through the roof.

The England football team are going to change the emblem on their shirts. The Three Lions will now become three tampons to celebrate their worst f*cking period in history!

I made myself a snowman as perfect as can be. I thought id keep it as a pet, so I let it sleep with me. I made it some pyjamas and a pillow for the head. Last night the b*stard vanished and pissed the bed.


An Irishman wanting to become a priest went to see the bishop who said you must answer 3 questions on the bible.
1. Who was born in a stable? he said Red Rum.
2. What do you know about Damascus? he said It kills 99 per cent of germs.
3. What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive? he said Thats easy - Popeye kicked the shit out of them.

Went on a major piss up last nite woke up this morning lying next to the ugliest fatest slag you can imagine
thats wen i realised id made it home safely

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?"

"The same way I like my sex," I replied.

He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

tw*t.

]THANK f**k FOR THAT FISHY I THOUGHT YOU WAS GOING TO START ON IGLOOS AGAIN FOR A MINUTE

Went on a major piss up last nite woke up this morning lying next to the ugliest fatest slag you can imagine
thats wen i realised id made it home safely

That's Funny....

Disney are making a film about Risdale - It's called the Lion c**t

Whats white and fluorescent yellow and doesn't work.


Immigration control.