a joke to lighten the mood.

A family is driving behind an ann summers lorry when a big dildo flew out the back and hit their windscreen, to hide the embarrassment the mother said that was a big insect to which the 6 year old son replied I'm surprised the fucker could fly with a cock that size

A family is driving behind an ann summers lorry when a big dildo flew out the back and hit their windscreen, to hide the embarrassment the mother said that was a big insect to which the 6 year old son replied I'm surprised the fucker could fly with a cock that size

It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at church, wife waiting at the alter, i walked up the aisle and kissed her on the cheek, i smiled and then closed the fookin coffin lid

Multi floor tower block, young lad walking by, a Glass eye hits him on the head! Looking up, he spies a Blonde lady waving frantically at him. He picks the eye up and takes it to the frantic lady.

She pops it back in and thanks him. They get chatting. He asks if he can call in again as he enjoyed her company, he passes that way often he explains. Sure she said, I′ll keep an eye out for you then!

Arriving home early from work one day.
I heard the wife moaning upstairs.
She must be on the toilet I thought to myself!
Getting up the stairs myself, it turned out, she was only in bed with my best friend, my Next door neighbour?
I was shocked, stunned flabberghasted, choking and stuttering.
I cried out to him How could you
I can′t comprehend, don′t understand
I mean I have to, you don′t?

Grabbing him by the bollocks and holding real tight with an iron grip, I dragged him all the way down the stairway.
He was whimpering - you can′t thrown me out naked man.
I never answered, instead dragged him through the kitchen.
Grabbing the largest bread knife I could find on route. He screamed for mercy you can′t cut it off man, please!
I remained silent, dragged him into the back garden into the shed Jammed his manhood in to my work bench vice, and then smashed the handle off that vice!

Don′t cut it off man, please, he screamed!
Oh, I′m not going to do that I said
Picking up a can of Lawn Mower Pertol and handing him the Knife I said you are
I′m setting the shed on fire!

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"
"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear.

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.

"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.

"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"
"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear.

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.

"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.

"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

my sides are hurting.... best yet

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?

Ask her why she left the kitchen.

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.

The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."

The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.

"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font".

Some good ones today!!

Three blokes and their daughters are killed in a car accident and show up at the pearly gates. St Peter comes out and says...

"Eh, sorry folks, we a bit pushed for space at the moment, I can only let four of you in but to be fair I'll ask you question to see who best meets our terms and conditions"

St Pete turns to first bloke and asks "I can judge a person by the name he gives his children, so what's you daughters name?"

"Penny rplies the first man"

"hmm says St Peter, that tells me you think a lot about money which is one of dastardly sins, go the back of the queue"

He then turns to the second bloke and asks the same question.

"Stella, replies the second man"

"hmmm, thats not vey good says St Peter, seems you think a lot about alcohol, another dastardly sin"

Before St Peter can ask the third bloke a question he turns to his daughter and says,.....

"Come on Fanny lets go, we're not standing here to be insulted by that tw*t"




Little Boy in the bath to his mother..

"Mummy its my cock I'll wash it as fast as I like"

Ahhh, nearly forgot the best joke of the day......



Cardiff City representative to high court judge....

"We have an asian business man whose about to give us £6 million so we'lll pay the tax bill shortly"